I Was An Angry Mommy

My First Mother's Day Picture

I was pregnant and had no idea yet.

Red hair, extensions, glowing skin, makeup, jewelry, skinny, new dress. And that perfect chunky baby in a little suit.

How could I be so angry?

I wasn't angry at all actually. At this point motherhood was so easy for me. I was staying home with Ryder and I loved it. 

Then one day I started feeling stir crazy. Then angry. Then sad. I needed to get out of the house. I needed to get my career on track. I had so many terrible experiences with companies that I was terrified to get a job. Literally. No one knows what I went through. 

I couldn't be a SAHM forever. I had to do something else to keep my sense of self. The thought of having another job where I was just another damn number was terrifying to me. Like, make me throw-up, start to cry, bring on the full body tremors-terrifying. And no one in the world understood. My favorite line was, "she just doesn't want to work."  

*Insert middle finger here because I am the hardest working person that ever existed*

Anyway, I sought help from the most wondeful counselor in the entire world. She saved my life. I thank her in my silent prayers every single day. She not only saved my life, she taught me how to grow up and stop judging other people. Thank you Diana. 

Fastforward a year.

I had a great job at a great salon with a great manager, a wonderful husband and 2 happy healthy babies.  I also had an adorable little house, two reliable vehicles and a bank account that wasn't empty at the end of every pay period. 

WHY was I SO angry?

Anger is unresolved expectations.

My babies are just that: babies. I had to stop "expecting" them to not make a mess. I had to stop "expecting" myself to fix the bed, do the laundry, clean the house, cook dinner, work out, go to work, and "be" gorgeous, on top of raising my children. Finally, I stopped caring so much. The important thing was that we were all healthy. And we are!

In 10 years I would be pretty pissed if I looked back and could only remember cooking and cleaning. I want to remember feeling happy. I want to remember joy and peacefulness among the unavoidable chaos of childhood. I want to remember playing and watching "The kitty movie" 30 times a day. 

So the old me at the top of the screen can kiss my ass. I'm better now......

Arabella Barbara 3 months old. Ryder Patrick 1 and a 1/2 years old. 

January 2014